Computer Technology

Are you terrified of your computer? Do you feel out of place and overwhelmed when your friends or coworkers start spouting reams and reams of technical jargon that you will never understand? Then this article is for you! We'll help you get over your fear of technical terminology by tickling your funny bone. We'll start with some definitions that SHOULD be true, and we hope are entertaining.

486
- The average IQ needed to understand a P.C.
State-of-the-art
- Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete
- Any computer you own.
Microsecond
- The time it takes for your State-of-the-art-computer to become obsolete.
Syntax Error
- Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.
GUI (pronounced gooey)
- What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
Computer Chip
- Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.
Keyboard
- The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse
- An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy
- The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Hard Drive
- The sales technique employed by computer salesmen.
Portable Computer
- A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation and on business trips.
Disk Crash
- A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User
- Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update
- A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

Windows is NOT a virus

Reasons Why Windows is not a virus:

- Viruses are free.
- Viruses don't take up most of your hard drive.
- Viruses don't need 1000 megs of RAM.
- Viruses don't have major bugs.
- Viruses don't have three different sets of documentation.
- Viruses don't leak info to the press about the upcomming Jerusalem 95, to keep people from switching to Michelangelo/2 Warp.
- Viruses aren't on every computer.
- Nobody cares if a virus turns out to be 16 bit, even though it is advertised as 64...
- Viruses install themselves !

CONVERSATIONS WITH TECHNICAL SUPPORT

• Tech Support: "What version of the Mac OS are you using?"
Customer: "Word 6.0."

• Tech Support: "What browser are you using, Netscape or Microsoft?"
Customer: "Netscape."
Tech Support: "Could you read to me what it says at the top of the window?"
Customer: "'Global Travel Conference - Microsoft Internet Explorer'."

• Tech Support: "Are you installing on a Mac?"
Customer: "No, I'm using a 3.5" thingee on a disk."

• Tech Support: "This has Windows 98 on it -- did it have Windows 98 or 95 on it when it was sent out for repair?"
Customer: "I think it had Office 97."

• Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

• Customer: "I keep getting an error message whenever I try using the MSDOS mode in Windows 95."
Tech Support: "Can you describe what happens?"
Customer: "Well, I keep getting a black screen with an error message saying, 'C:\WINDOWS>'."

• Tech Support: "which drive is your CD ROM?"
Customer: "the top one."

• Customer: "Do I hit 'F' and '8' at the same time?"

• Tech Support: "Your password will be...a small 'a' as in apple, a capital 'V' as in Victor, the number '7' "
Customer: "Is that a capital '7'?"

• Tech Support: "Ok, let's try once more, but use lower case letters..."
Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

Virus Warning Joke

If you receive any sort of 'work' at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open it or even look at it have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.
If you do encounter 'work' via email, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words 'I've had enough of your shit...I'm off down the pub'. Your brain should automatically forget the 'work' and your career will now be successfully destroyed.
If you receive 'work' in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag to your waste paper bin and deposit there. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer. After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that 'work' will no longer be of any relevance to you and that 'Scooby Doo' was the greatest children's cartoon ever.
Send this message to everyone in your mailbox. If you do not have anyone in your mailbox, then I'm afraid the 'work' virus has corrupted your life. Go out and get some friends.

Hello and welcome!

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